The other day I was scrolling Facebook and a post caught my eye. It read “Always check on your happy friends” and it was followed by images of Robin Williams, Brittany Murphy, Chester Bennington, and Mac Miller. Now I’ve seen this post-float around from time to time and I never felt truer than this one.
Individuals with depression are master as illusions. In my personal experience with depression, I can contest to this. I am able to smile and carry on a conversation as if life is happy. When in reality I am in the lowest possible spot. I feel like a burden on everyone and nothing I am doing is ever going to be good enough.
I know in my experience it is hard to open up to others about depression because they simply do not get it. Now don’t mistake it for me not appreciating someone who is willing to listen when I try to explain my feelings. Depression is a mixture of multiple items and for every individual it is different.
I have what a lot would call an ideal life. I have a house, a husband who adores me, three amazing kids, and we live comfortably. I am able to stay at home with my kids and blog full time. The life I always wanted but there are times when I feel I don’t deserve any of it. Days where I don’t want to move out of bed or days where the dishes pile up in the sink. Days where I have zero desire to clean, cook, or move. Days where I feel I am unworthy of everything my husbands does for me or my family. Days where I feel like he would be so much happier with someone else. Days where I feel like the worst mother on the planet. Days where I regret yelling at the kids over something so minor. Days where life just sucks and there feels like no way out.
The thing is I know that my husband loves me and kids will be kids but that is what depression does. It sneaks its way in and messes with your mind. Depression is a silent battle that only the individual with its experiences. No one else will ever fully know the battle that you face every day in your head. In an interview, prior to his death Chester Bennington said “I should not be in there [my mind] alone. It’s insane, it’s crazy in here. It’s a bad place to be by myself.” Speaking for my self I know 100% where he is coming from.
Depression is a hard battle and often you feel alone. Having a good support system is key. I’ve been lucky with my support system but I still have bad days. Just remember depression is more than just sadness. Tieing back to the title some of the happiest people can be hiding secrets. I do it all the time and recently I made the decision to be more honest and share my true feeling. I don’t want to be another statistic.
If you’re struggling with depression and thinking of suicide you can always get help! The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available by calling -800-273-8255. The Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
